Em (belovedfool) wrote,

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Can you save me from myself? I stand alone, now, alone,

Today *dances to the carnival malice mizer music* This music always makes me think of carnivals, you can just hear the candy and the laughter and the bright painted faces (and the freak shows of course with their caged pain) and the spinning dancing horses suspended by smiles of glitter shimmering bright?

Hoho im waxing lyrical, shoot me please. Anyway. Woke up at 11 moaned and moped and took painkillers and was out the house by 11.30 and on my way to CUSP. Didnt have time for any modern decency (hair and makeup) hehe, so must have looked pretty....tarin-like. Mobile phoned alice and talked to her for ages until she found her way to cusp, then wandered round music stores with her - eyeing the cute bois and falling into brendan while giggling hysterically.

Saw peter james and somehow he got paired with someone else. Saw some jelly cherries on the floor so went to woolies and bought a whole great tub of sweets (mainly cherries but some other things like rubber lips and jelly rings and hearts and things) and then to smiths to by a mag.

Walked round smiths, said something along the lines of "God knows!" and as if on queue narrowly avoided walking into him. Recoiled in fits of laughter, earned a strange look from him (he was with hera's brother - why not hera??? I could only tell it was his brother cos of the hoodie, otherwise theyre damn identical) and realised we were stood behind him in the queue.

He was wearing a large dulled grey hoodie and slumped under a brimmed white hat adorned with large floppy looking blue flower patterns. His hair poked out the bottem of the hat, and alice made such accurate comments about the cherries we were eating (yeh rite) as "Its so greasy!" and we couldnt stop laughing.

I got really close to poking him and saying hi, but then i ate a cherry and realised i wouldnt be able to speak with my mouth ful and i couldnt offer him sweets cos they were in a big plastic bag and i would drop the original pot. ARG EXCUSES. But basically i didnt say hi, and as soon as they were out of sight me and alice chided ourselves greatly for it.

Shared out the sweets, laughed way too much when alice stretched her rubber red lips and waved them at me, and then parted way past my normal 'territory' and i wandered back to cusp to read 'wizard of the pigeons' which is good. Nowt special though, but good. Blown some M&S vouchers on yummy dinner and hope someone will come online soon to chat to.

Alice didnt have much to say about my story really - i know it isnt my best. Its too based around action and whats happening rather than the writing itself (like ashes over stars) and its not the sort of thing i think would have the slightest chance of getting published. But its fun to write anyway!

Ali (the albinism person i mailed) wrote back to me with loadsa info, so when this story is done im almost ready to start on 'morning of forever' which will be cool. Now all i need is info on car crash accidents and injuries and stats like that. I know, dont ask.

Living a life of fear, I only want my mind to be clear. People making fun of me, for no reason but jealosy. I fantasize about my death, kill myself from holding my breath. My suicidal dream - voices telling me what to do. My suicidal dream - I'm sure you will get yours too. Help me, comfort me - stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now. The rope is here and now I'll find a use.
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Me + micky were in town, but we didnt see you + alice :(