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Just to say...   
06:25pm 14/07/2004
mood: satisfied

Just a quick note to say this journal will now be private - which means no one can read it except myself *bows* If anyone isnt happy about this (yeh right! ^_~) then my reasoning is simple: I realised that explaining myself online for the whole world to see isnt going to make me it any easier for me to understand myself and what I do. So for the last time, I will explain what I'm thinking ^^

I will still post icons, ficcies, pics, quiz results here etc, and if you want any of the above then please just ask and I will be happy to oblige in making/finding you one. Oh and incase anyone is at a loss with something to do now they cannot read the intricate details of my life, then here are some helpful me-related links *grin*

My original stories and poems

My fanfiction

My band piccies & photos & current icons

If anyone is wondering, I will be continuing this journal because simply my memory isnt good enough for me to remember all the good stuff when i'm feeling shit, and having it all written down is so much easier for me to remind myself that really my life isnt the shrivelled set of bollacks I seem to believe it is. So I hope everyone reading this has a good day/night/time, I love you all (you know who you are....or you damnwell should!) and if I ever talk about starting this journal public again, then remind me of my earlier reasoning. Hope you like my private sign *grin* and have had fun reading about my life hoho,

Later dudes.

Im socially unnacceptable



(5 shots | Go Shoot)

They say oh, shes changed, but we all know what that means...   
08:03pm 13/07/2004
mood: bouncy

Yo all. Not much out of the ordinary happened today. Im currently talking to david. Hes pissed at Mikey because Mikey was saying some stuff, but i kinda didnt understand so defended him and i dont think davey liked it too much. I persuaded him to come back thou ^^ Hehe now im just teasing him about everything i can think of.

Today. Got to work late because the car started bleeping and mother thought it was the airbags and we both got kinda shit scared so dumped the thing and walked. Well, i walked on my own - powerwalked to find they hadnt even noticed i was 5 min late and they were petting a kitten in a big wooly hat. KAWAII! Sadly it was going upstairs just as i came, so i missed it.

Mother foned to say the car was fine (turned out it was the boot wasnt shut :P) and off we went to playgroup, me holding onto Freya. Lala playgroup happened. Isobel whacked me with a hammer a few times before i could grab her, so Daniel (annoying whiny blonde with nasal and speech problems arrrrgg) laughed and started to aswell. I grabbed his wrist, told him no, and levelled a glare at him till his smile died. HAHAHAHA THATS FOR BEING A WHINY BASTARD!! *cough*

Lala. Walked back, had lunch with alice lala nice, went back kinda late but noone seemed bothered. Some idiot got the boats out and karl gave me the hose and turned it on. I poked it in the boat carriage way whatsit, and he was like "You ready?" yep, and on came the water. A few moments past, and i called "How full do you want it?" no answer. I supposed it could handle a bit more, then "Full!" no reply. "Full! Its full! Its really full...."

A few moments later i had run out of buckets and directed the hose into a flower trough. The Karl came out "Nearly done?" he enquired congenially. I strained a grin "More than..." "oh." he turns it off and i try to fish the children out the puddle. Queue an afternoon of EVERYTHING getting wet, of kiddies drinking woodlice and trying to paint my arse with water.

Whoopee. I was enbrolined in a chanting game with freya and helena, which consisted of "Orange balls, the last one down to hit the ground gets to choose their boyfriends name." it was always me, since i am tallest (that was my excuse anyway) so it turned out my boyfriend would be david. I was like 0_o

then they added 'beckham' and i smiled, trying to look pleased. PLEASE GOD NO. Walked home early past the piercings shop and they told me i had to be 16. Oh well, have to go to townie shop. Saw loadsa people from millthorpe including danny symington and his gf, followed by jamie hawker who grinned at me and quirked an eyebrow.

Went into cusp, mother had bought me a cargo jacket thingy. WOOOO. Lala. Got bus home with townie woman who i hated with some kiddies blah. Jenny rang the other nite to ask what i wanted for my birthday hehe, i keep forgetting. I hope it isnt a downer. I hope this course isnt a downer. I hope the whole SUMMER isnt.

At least i got my hugs. I have now gotten a hug off everyone i know, as far as i can think of. Hehe how cool is that? Thats a pretty rocking bday present in itself. Now all i need is more hugs, and longer. All at once would be good too. Muhahahaha.

WHAT THE HELL! Mother just yelled at me to come see out the window, and i did and i looked out and guess who was outside? Tarin and Dozza, dancing, crazily - as in waggling their arms and bodies in slow loops. They were yelling something but i couldnt hear a word, and they were laughing. I kinda hid....but hey. There ya go. Couldnt stand up for laughing. I dunno where the hell they went...dissapearing in puffs of pink smoke probably. Geeeeez.

I just dont listen to the words of fools, i dont give away too much. Im afraid.


(Go Shoot)

All they know, is how to put you down   
08:50pm 12/07/2004
mood: jittery

Today. Just another average day at the nursery. got in late and no one noticed. Playgroup. Lifting kiddies on slides, scooping rice endlessly back into the box, stealing biscuits, washing up and slurping hot/cold chocolate. At the end Lilly was stood in the corner refusing to leave. Everyone else left with cries of "Come on Lilly!" so i was inevitably left to drag her along. She weighs a ton, so the only option besides grabbing her arm and dragging her, was persuading her to come on her own.

I tried the good old 'ill leave without you' but after five minutes and she was completely not bothered, i came back round the corner. She replied no to my every comment, and when iwalked over she folded up into the corner and cried no no no. I pleaded, i begged, i commanded. Eventually, tiredly, i pathetically asked if i could have a hug. She gave me a worn-out look, paused, and then stood up and folded up on me. CUTENESS INCARNATE! Oh thankyou god! I sighed then held out my hand, reluctantly she took it and we had to go out the side door cos the rest had been locked.

Got halfway up the alley (lifting her over binbags) and there was some building work going on, a wheelbarrow full of paving slabs completely blocked the way. I stared at it and hoisted her up (oomph) and then a nice kind friendly builder came down the alley and stared right back at me. I puppy eyeballed him (shes damn heavy orite!) and he finally offers "I can move that if you like," as if i would say no. Yes please. He grabs the wheelbarrow and pushes, but it overbalances and the slabs start to slide. "Craig!" he croaks, red with the effort of restraining all the slabs.

Craig shouts "Just lean them up" so he does and eventually gets the barrow out the way. I smile sweetly at the panting red builder who has veins popping on his head as he strains with the slabs, and stagger past. I dump lilly down a few paces, and we amble back to just catch up with everyone else ^^ YIPPEE. I am enroiled to help with lunch and do so. Eoin never stops eating! Then lunch with alice who talks about the calling concert and then Mrs Davies comes and cant get in.

I let her in, try not to let Ella flood the nursery with the drinks machine, and have a quick interview where i assure her its fun and she goes again. I get sand thrown in my face by the retarded babee and spend the following half hour shaking it our my hair, top, eyes, trousers, ears - you name it.

Tea and wierd viddy. Mother picks me up and were off to tesco for hotpants for holiday and bikini hehe. Listen to nirvana and then get back to get everyone adress and mobile numbers, text Piers, and have strange but nice conversations with david. He is less sarcastic now hehe, so fun! Its nice, hes actually being affectionate for once (even if a 'no its a joke *hugs* damnit *slobbery kisses* last resort' sort of teasing way) which is nice hehe. whoopee im converting the whole world to hugging me. *grin*

Oh baby when you say my name, i get such a thrill inside, at the fire in your eyes - i collide. He comes now and theres nothing to say, he comes now and you dont care anywhere. Its all lies.


(1 shot | Go Shoot)

Come to me in my dreams and touch me, kiss me, burn me away...   
09:28pm 11/07/2004
mood: tired



Woke up at half seven and went back to sleep and had a damn wierd dream. I was in some tea rooms down the street bella pasta is down, and i was with david and alice i think. I think it was alice - i have forgotten quite a bit. Then the evil queen from snow white came in and she had to be in an ice box otherwise she would burst into flames.

Somehow there became loads of chaos and the army were there with grenades and everything and i grabbed a waiter (who i remember thinking was really shy and cute) and ordered 'something nice' and he brought me a cappuchino (i dont know how i remembered that was what it was, or how i knew) and i slurped it and wondered if afterwards, when i was writing my LJ about it, if people would remark upon how i stayed calm in a crisis.

Dont ask. Then suddenly we were down the shambles looking for something, and we found a hose pipe and a fire hose so i grabbed them both and was heading through kings square back to this place. We saw this woman in a motorized wheelchair who asked us if this was daveygate, we said it was so she went down another street. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE DAVEYGATE IS! But its not there.

Suddenly alice (or whoever it was) goes "You shouldnt bring those, you know what david is like." and somehow i did know and it wasnt good (i think it was smth like him being like dozza and a pyromaniac and such) so i put them down. Then i rushed over to the tea rooms again and suddenly i was sat outside on a wall, only it wasnt down that street it was the church wall at the end of the shambles.

I was staring at the building and there were firefighters putting out the fire with their hoses and all i could think of was if david was ok. GG came out (she had been inside) and instead of asking her if she was ok i asked about david. Then mickey (who was there somehow) said that david "was not as ok as he had been, but was still ok. his hair was a bit singed though." and i remember wondering what he looked like and trying to see him. 

Then suddenly he was coming from behind with all his friends, and i wanted to cry because i was so happy he was ok and i wanted to hug him for ages and i wondered how he would react if i did. But he walked straight past me and i remember the wrenching feeling of hurt, and i was leaning almost off the wall to see where he had gone, trying to make excuses for why he hadnt greeted me, trying to see him.

Then i awoke.

It was really wierd, i remember the feelings and everything - i cant even begin to describe it properly. It was all in color and bewildering chaos and woah. Made no sense. It was so real, i thought it was real in the dream. Wierd.

Saturday was spent doing absolutely nothing. David called in the evening and my mum answered the phone and i was totally shocked David even had my number. It turned out he had intended to call round, but had broken his hand instead so couldnt. He was phoning to tell me he might pop round tomorow (now today, sunday) but i told him he couldnt since i was off to my grans. W00t.

Mother went off on one about him coming round and declared she didnt trust me anymore and suchlike, which wasnt nice but wasnt surprising either. Then she accused me of not trusting her. I do, but she expects me to after that??

Blah. Yeah Mikey rang about 5 minutes afterwards (she presumed i had invited him round too, i think she thought we were gonna have a mass orgie ^_~) and finally explained he had given david my number because david was online babbling apologies or something. I didnt really understand much cos my phone is retarded, but hey. Poor davey.

Sunday, today, was spent at my grans. We drove to TKmax and i found about 8 clothes i wanted to buy for holiday, and came away with one huge 'lollipop' glittery jumper which was too warm to even take. Ahh well. Got some swimwear and stuff and managed to just get back as peter & heidi were leaving. Peter has had another haircut and his hair is shorter than Mikeys *sigh*

David seems to be giving into my persuasion for him to not cut his hair. On friday a cute skater with long brown hair went by and i was like "Oooh hes got nice hair!" and david replyed with "Would you like me to have hair like that?" and i answered i would indeed. Hehe.

Lala. Watched some music tv, decided i liked razorlight even though alice didnt, and noted a few bands i needed to download. Lala. Watched tv, read book, decided i would go on the english course (i nearly cancelled) but beg to have my bday free so i could have a party WITH jenny, otherwise its gonna be major buggery. I wonder if ill be in buggery if i sneak out or smth?

Oh well it will be cool for no one to know me. I can amuse myself and be someone else, as alice always says "If i were someone else i would..." Heh im almost looking forward to it. A week left of work, maybe i should take some cookies or something in on my last day? Yes, that would be a good idea. Yes. Then a week in corfu, hell yeh i hope it doesnt rain ^_~ Davids off to france for the ENTIRE summer, aint that a downer???

I dunno. I hope i can meet some people on this course. I hope...i dont know. Mikey translated my dream for me, and after about an hour of discussion came up with the verdict "Your lonely." I could have worked that one out myself in half the time. He came up with a lot of other theories too, but i shant air them here ^^ Oh yes, Mickey came for tea last night, saturday that is, and that was fun. We sat for ages talking about work experiance and dreams, then watched velvet goldmine and ate tiramasu. Mmmm.

Im looking forward to kumquat liquer in greece. It sounds very nice indeed. Hehe. Adious then for now, love youz all.

Take away my pain and make my life content.

Peeling leeches off my heart, its getting colder in this flesh. Now im a drunk again, escaping sobrietys demons - they bore me.


(Go Shoot)

Image is a paralysis   
02:19pm 09/07/2004
mood: drained

Ok. Today. Friday. Mid way through w/e and tea at alices. Hoho. Today was good. It was almost an all good day, and i havent had one of those in a whiiiile. It was funny, Rosie mentioned that Mikey had been around longer than David, but really its the other way round. Alice just never knew him when i did.

Got to nursery early so did a u-turn to kill time and blasted inme and nirvana hoho how nice indeeeeeed. Wore my placebo hoodie again, w00t that thing is so huge and kinda hairy but its damn warm! Scrambled into nursery to find...i forget. I think it was lilly and guy and benedict (new kid, blonde but wan looking) and some others. Took them to playgroup. Actually ate TWO digestives and some hot choccie and played with some kiddies and built a plane and a castle, but guy destroyed it *sob*

Walked them all back and had lunch. Poked head round cafe for alice who got lots of food, and for some insane reason meredith (the cafeworker girl) brought us two hot chocolates. Free. ^^ Nice, but susprising. I wasnt hungry so just pawed alices lunch, and laughed when she brought me a fork since she seemed to be sick of me just mauling it. Lunch went by far too quickly and was spent amusedly pretending we had completely figured out our friends and their relationships. Funfun.

Wandered back with alice, stood outside talking and was promptly ten minutes late, but no one seemed to notice. I totally cant remember it in any decent order. It seems so far away now! I remember that Lynn went at one point and there was Maddy (small, chubby baby who was quick to both cry and smile, ginger haired) and Ella and Lilly all wandering about and M and L both burst into immediate tears. I was like 0_0 stranded between them and Karl goes "Pick her up and hug her!" so i grabbed Maddy and hoped for the best.

Her crying stopped a little so i staggered down to a footstool and spread her on my knee. Probably garbled some nonsense for a while and then started bouncing up and down and flopping her upside down. I didnt get a laugh, but i got a few smiles. I eventually put her down and played with some trains. Helped make playdough. Got round to tidying up and i was midway through putting lego away when Maddy staggers over to me and raises her little arms. "UP!" she demands morosely. I brandish the lego at her but she threatens to burst into tears on me.

I am chuffed, since no kiddy has ever cried for lack of me before. I grab her, hoist her on my hip and plonk a few lego pieces atop her. She grins uncertainly and grabs a piece of train. I tidy up a bit and she notices the butterfly mobile. She reaches for it so i bounce her upwards so she can touch it. This process is repeated at least 50 times, with interruptions of me laughing and spinning her round where she screamed with laughter. I didnt tidy up much, but i wasnt too bothered.

I eventually set her down to trundle over to the house for tea, and notice Ella watching me grinning. I smile at her and she laughs predictably, and then raises her arms. Up? I ask her, and she smiles and nods. Up she goes! So i spin her round, dance over to the house and set her down in her highchair in the house. Heehee.

Tea progresses normally, except occasionally maddy will threaten to burst into tears if someone doesnt pay attention to her. Ella smiles as per usual and eats all the hundreds and thousands toppings off her bread. Lilly wants to go down and sobs bitterly, only to stop when i try to wipe a H&T off her cheek and end up getting it in her mouth - this soon becomes a grand game and i cast around for more sugary droplets to amuse her as she waggles her tongue at me laughing!

I am left to sweep up, and then Jennie comes in so i talk to her for a while about quite a lot of things. She goes "The last w/e girl we had was very shy the first week and then confidant the second. You will find the second week goes even faster than this one!" and i was thinking 'this week went fast? Like hell!'

I leave at just gone 5 and wander over to blakehead to peer into the cafe and spot alice. She eventually notices me and says goodbye to her adult friend dude, and off we trot out the shop - to bump into my mother who reminds me i was supposed to be meeting her. Whoops! I had forgotten.

Mother doesnt mind, so we carry on into town and we are both HyPeR - being with kiddies all day and having to behave mature makes me really childish when i come out! We skip around and have damn wierd convos. Does anyone knnow how long 12inches is in cm? 0:-) Anyway. We get to town about half past, and wander up to HMV to try and find the xisloaded album which should have come out on the 5th. Nope. Virgin? Nope. HMV again - still nope. We are just heading back desulotarily (we discovered it was delayed to be realised) when i spotted a familiar blonde.

Guess who? I knew you wouldnt. I stared in horror, and then jumped up and down waving violently. Danny grinned uncertainly, i dont really know what alice did i was too busy being hyper. I virtually ran over to the pair with a cry of 'I want a hug! Can i have a hug?' and Piers looking bewildered replies "Of course." and gives me the worlds quickest hug (bested only by david, but that has yet to come) Alice catches up with us and giggles and i think she gets a hug too. Piers is like "What are you two ON????" and we just laugh some more and he and danny exchange amused glances.

After insisting we hadnt drunk or taken anything out of the ordinary, and that we were just happy cos it was friday, Danny decides he needs to go. "Oh." Replies Piers "Are you two staying in town?" before alice can answer no, or something equally complicated, i squeak YES! and he grins "Yey i shall just tag onto you then heh." Then danny walks off and he waits, pauses, and runs after him, managing to slap him once before skipping laughing and people dodging back over to us. 0_o

We saunter down coney street and Piers swings himself onto one of the scaffolding thingies and swings there a bit more. Im like 0_0 and then 'Ohhh kewl do it again!' and he is evidently flattered because he replies "Its not hard, you just need to have strong arms and then jump..." he demonstrates and swings a bit longer. Applause and giggling all round.

We reach woolworths and i stare around before noticing david (in a white hoodie!) wandering towards us all composed. I make a running jump and basically land on him with a cry of 'Hug!' and hes like 0_o and lets go of me basically immediatly. It turns Mickey is too exhausted (?) to come and Jenny just doesnt. We hang around a bit and David retrieves a golf ball which they mess with.

Being male they obviosly have to compete in shows of aggressiveness, so every other two minutes they will kick/hit each other or smth like that. Conversation wandered really wildly, and i havent a clue what we talked about but i remember that i dont think anyone stopped grinning at all! (Piers didnt know who Mikey was and insisted he was only hanging around because he wanted to see the gay guy, so i kicked him) Piers at one point swears and looks at his watch "Oh! Only ten minutes have gone by, it feels like half an hour!" which was very true. In a all good way.

Piers smashes david into the window at one point and theyre like "We gotta steal some pick'n'mix!" and then talk about the full monty, which only i had seen :P

Alice suggests maybe Mikey (who is currently 20min late) is at hellraiser so she pushes david in that direction and i grab the sleeve of Piers' t-shirt (after complaining that, unlike david, he had no conveniant items of clothing to hold onto) and drag him up the street.

He laughs, goes slightly red but doesnt pull away so i dont let go. "Oh why dont you just hold my hand?" he challenges grinning, so i roll my eyes at him and let go an ignore him waggling his hand at me. "AWWW! You love me really!" He laughs and grabs hold of me and kinda hugs me in a sideways way that involves still walking. Im like eek but try to look all cute and snuggle up cos his words were sarcastic and that seemed to be the response they demanded (from my hyper mind)

This holds for all of about three minutes (woah) and then he laughs and shove me sideways "Get away!" so i laugh and topple into alice who like a skittle hits david and theyre both like 0_0 so everyone is laughing.

More of people getting dragged sideways until we reach hellraiser, and then Piers sits outside the hoover shop in front of the fan in the window. "Ahh so cooling!" he declares so david goes and sits next to him. We realise perhaps Mikey isnt there, but Piers insists we hang around till he has to go to work.

Oh did i forget? He works in a bistro somewhere, and was currently wearing his uniform. Some part of the convo was about him trying to look respectable. He needed to be at work at half past 6, till 11! It also doubles as his summer job.

I think david kicks him or something (or maybe it was me because he said i had no music taste since i hadnt heard of some band) and he squeaks in indignation "I need to look respectable for my waitressing!" and no one notices except me, and im like 'Waitressing??? *grin*' and he goes bright red and everyone else sniggers and hes all laughing "Yeh i have a really quick sex change,"

Then he pokes me. I yelp and david pokes me too and i yelp again, and Piers mutters "Thats my job!" and david laughs nervously. So Piers pokes me some more. Quite a lot. Suffice to say it was enough to make me completely collapse laughing and yelping and squirming (i dont know WHAT it must have looked like) and since he was behind me he basically had to hold on to me and poke me at the same time.

I kept trying to back away (he was poking my ribs,) so we were like stumbling backwards and at one point i totally flopped on his feet and he was like "0_0 are you oK???" and he pulled me upright and i was laughing so much he poked me some more.

I dont remember when he let me go, or when he started again but there was a bit of conversation inbetween times. At one point, because alice was linked arm with me, Piers goes "Ohhh are you two *gestures* together?" i roll my eyes at him and he grins and lunges for david. "Because me and david are!" david gets roughly hug/squished and squirms irritably but grinning away.

Alice gets foned to say the pizza is in the oven and to damn well get home, and Piers decides he needs to get to work. I suppose it was a goodbye hug, because he grabs me again (the right way round this time) and totally hugs me. And holds on. I'm like eek for a minute, then hug him for a minute, then like erm.... and then he all but lifts me up and starts to walk away. NOW im like eek, and because its instinct i cling onto him as if my life depended on it.

Im stil laughing hysterically (im still hyper) and alice and david are like 0_0 and kinda follow. We get halfway down the street, Piers complaining "I need to get to work you know! You should let go!" while not letting go, and then he suddenly does and i realise im still clinging on like hell so let go. Too busy laughing to wonder or be embarassed about it.

Everyone is laughing even though they are still all 0_0 and then he goes "Awww!" again and "Bye!" and hugs my shoulders awkwardly. Then wanders over to alice like "hug?" and she backs away and hides behind me so he turns on david and is like *lunge* and hugs him. David is like arrggg and struggles and looks miffed, so they shake hands instead (and of course try to crush each other) and i squeak and stamp "YOUR SO MALE!" in exasperation and they both guiltily let go and go red and Piers is like. "You want me to change? I mean-" and he gestures, so i glare at him.

He hugs alice round the shoulders aswell (and pretends to cut her throat, cue convo about it) and saunters off. I think i grab david, and off we go to alices.

I cant remember what we talked about. it was amusing anyway. I persuaded david to put his blades on so he bladed for a bit and alices mum came down the street like "Dont leave the nice young man looking all confused!" and i was like 0_0 laughing, and david skidded to a stop. Rosie came outside and was glaring like "Come ON alice!" and staring at us.

We went in, i picked at pizza and david emptied the salad bowl onto his plate - to everyones amusement. Randomness all round and lots of hysterics from me and alice (earlier Piers had remarked 'you two must REALLY like fridays!' when we kept laughing) I finished early and kept looking across at david, and i hate to make eyecontact (when im aware of it) but he always seemed to. Damn annoying. I noticed he had really dark brown eyes that looked really big, and his pupils were so large his eyes looked black.

Then we all trundled over to 'fondle' the guinea pig. David managed to get covered in shit and it pissed on him, so i couldnt stop laughing and he cornered me but thankfuly didnt wipe anything on me ^_~

Alice played the piano and i half followed david and the gp and then we went upstairs for about 15 mins (we had gotten home late and taken half an hour to eat bleh) and david was like eek at alices room. He called alice fat so i whacked him as hard as i could at the time, and he looked really shocked (and so did alice) so i glared at him and told him that was for insulting my friend. Hoho.

David looked at the photos of us and didnt recognise me, and then mocked me so i kicked him (i was kicking and hugging everyone lots that day). He picked up a suggestive magazine and i glared at him so hard he dropped it and backed away looking scared "Ive put it down!"

He climbed up onto alices bed ("Just so i can actually say ive been in your bed!") and stared at some more random things and laughed at her beyblades piccie. I climbed up after him and kinda threw myself over him, and then alice did too but landed on me. He got down and had to go, but kept coming back in from halfway down the corridor and talking. Eventually he went and we glared after him, then got down and i was fiddling with something. Rosie came in to tell us he had left and alice came over and hugged me and rosie was like 0_o "ALICE! Get off her!"

She was so freaked she actually grabbed alice and pulled her away hehe, i was kinda laughing. Amusing. We left, i got home, read book till 11 and went online. Of course who else was there but david himself. We were both dead tired and kinda chatted anyway, and he seemed to have abandoned his acid humour for good. (except once saying i would skare his skater friends - which he apologised for immediatly)

Somehow i complained i never went out on evenings and he was like "Oh you can come out with me!" and i reminded him he was going to france all summer so he was like "Im out all day tomorow." and i presumed this was an invitation.

After a good hour of confusion (he was uncertain and i was doubtful) we established he would call for me after going to rowntrees and, err, argos. To all appearences, he would also be alone - which surprised me. But hey.

He then said he was curled up laid down with the keyboard on his stomach and i was like 'aww cute i can imagine it!' (i actually said aww cute to him earlier in a really awwww kinda voice, he glared at me sooo hard ^_~) and he was like "Oh and im just in my boxers, if that helps." and i laughed and he added "and some whipped cream..." and then asked me what i was wearing.

Eventually said goodnight.

Feed me all your memories, and i'll wash it down with all of your goodness. I just cant seem to change, you lied to me, you lied to me! You dont even know my name! I choose to be a dreamer, but your reality seems sweeter. To taste you would turn my whole life around...

Image is a paralysis. Sever my memories. I only wanted what was fair, and for you to...be there.   
Im taking, more than i deserve - cos everyone has left me. Im leaving, more than i deserve - cos I have gone too far now........I KNOW......



(Go Shoot)

Burn the witches dont take time to sew the stitches, burn the witches now....   
05:40pm 08/07/2004
mood: crazy

Did i mention i spent tuesday afternoon cutting round bucket & spade templates to stick on a big sand covered photo display of their trip to the seaside? Everything kept falling off hoho. Its soo sweet, all the little kiddies will just randomly hug and kiss and pat and stroke each other regardless of gender or age. Its just...they learn all this 'dont play with boys. boys dont play with dollies' shit elsewhere, its not like theyre born like that. Screwy, but majorly sweet ^^

Pissing it down today, despite the fact its supposed to be summer *sigh* Got a lift to nursery and was like squee and we put all the kiddies in rainproofs hehe. Playgroup i messed around with Ella and some other kiddies, cant really remember what happened. Rosa came and kept hugging ella and things which was sweet, and she seems to have gotten over her vendetta and now merely distrusts me.

Fed them and dragged them back to nursery pretty quickly and then lunch was spent in the rain inside blakehead stealing alice salad and wandering down to buy some muffins. Wandered back hastily to the nursery to find the people had rotated and a new girl was supervising. Commence the slowest afternoon in entire world ever. She completely ignored me, if i asked her anything she would be like one word answers, and BLEH. It was really annoying, and boring as shit. Plus there were only about 3 kiddies up so i had none to play with. Meh.

Teatime was a relief. For a few minutes i stood as she handed out chocolate thinking 'stupid woman now they are not going to eat the sandwiches' and then i gave up, grabbed a bowl and resumed my normal duty of handing out food. She continured to completely ignore me, so i amused myself by chatting to the younger kiddies who were stroking each other and feeding each other. SO CUTE.

Dragged the three older ones out to the nursery to choose a video. Sam had a tantrum, so the others were hastily persuaded to watch wallace and gromit (despite the fact we watched it yestrerday) and i was let loose at ten past five whooppee. Munched some chocie things at home and was slightly hyper because being with kiddie all day and having to act sensible does that to ya. Talked to david and managed customary insults, but then Mikey phoned and david had blocked him and for some reason it just really annoyed me.

Ive already said i care about what people think, im the sort of person who if one of my friends says 'your hair looks really stupid' or smth like that, i will still wear it but always have doubts etc. So the fact one of my friends never stops putting me down, is beginning to get to me. Meh i wont go into it all here, just to say he never manages to say anything without making me feel pretty worthless. and hes worried about sounding stupid. I need to know what people think, its what i rely on! I cant take someone when i can never tell what is a joke and what is seirious, it screws me up.

Aww. Ive yelled at him for about half an hour and then said he makes me feel worthless (which he does) and he seems to have got so angry he was actually serious. This is gonna sound so gay, but i seriosly thought i was gonna burst into tears. Its such a relief. now hes started being all bolshy again and im not teary anymore but...shit.

Youve taken everything and oh i cannot give anymore.


(2 shots | Go Shoot)

Never to return again, but always in my heart   
07:53pm 07/07/2004
mood: hyper

Yesterday I have mainly forgotten. I know i shouldnt have, but i was just unable to get the computer and partly unwilling so now all is lost. I remember i played ball with Freya the 5 year old who has gorgeous extravagent white ringlets She comforted me on the fact i wasnt catching it with "Its alright, ive been learning for a long time!" and i thought ive been learning even longer. GOD DAMNIT.

Theres some more kiddies.

Ella: Almost a baby, cute as hell. Small, slightly chubby in a adorable way, always smiling and hugging people. Seems to like me.

Helena and Freya: Sisters. H is a bit annoying but sweet enough after a while. 5 yrs old and capable of decent conversation and slight humour. WHOOPEE.

Alicia: Small 2/3 yrs, spiral ginger hair. Seems uninterested but slightly distrustful of me.

Josh: Small young blonde (another one, theres so many!) who is quite sweet. Doesnt do much except smile at me.

Eric: Ginger haired 4 year old. Very intelligent. Cute in clever way. Likes to wear dresses all day from start to end. Proud.

Some ugly kids with fishlips who i avoided. *slurps baked cinnamon apple* OOOWWIEEE it burns.

Guy: A little fairly outgoing boy with tight pale blonde ringlets. Long too. SOO CUTE.

They were all cute. There were some more but they didnt do much, so i wont mention them. Im having a damn wierd convo with david. "Can i have your babies?" As long as we can kill it when it reaches 6. "They taste better when they mature!" Keep your tongue in your half! "If its a girl i want the top half, if its a boy i want the bottom." I always knew it.

Anyway. Today was better, i think its because i know the routine and am not so scared of the kiddies anymore. For some reason i expected them to contradict me or look at me funny or cry - most of the time they just ignore me or smile.

Got in at around 9 and started off to playgroup, generally just grabbing the arm of Josh who looked wobbly, despite his proud protests he was fine. Wandered over, got out the dressing up clothes and wandered back in to find a small ginger kid wandering around in the dress. Isobel (who was wrapped round my legs once more. She might be pretentious, but shes cute) informed me it was 'eric' but i thought i must have misheard. i hadnt.

I helped get more stuff out (yey i know what im doing! kinda...) and then settled down to read Isobel the same story i read her yesterday. Mid way through she got bored, but eric had settled down next to me and was avidly filling in the gaps. I read for about half an hour before i was called by Lynn who asked me to go with Karl and some kids for a music lesson. (Lynn: You can take emily. Karl: No no, its ok, she can stay with you. Lynn: No its fine, really, she can come with you. Karl: Oh are you sure? Dont you want her here?) and with a quick backward glance felt heartbroken because pretty eric was staring after me like i was abandoning him for good. SWEETIE.

Rushed off for music. Helped kiddies take shoes off and played very gay games while desperatly trying to sing and get kiddies to join in. Belatedly realised i should take my own shoes off and hopped off mid way thru ring around the roses to do so. Blah. General chaos and bewilderment. Hastened back to main room for swop round. Eric was still in a dress, and now Daniel was wearing one too and someone else had a mermaid outfit on. I smiled and kidnapped some child (Guy, that was it) to help me put all the rice back into the rice box since isobel had upended the thing.

Guy soon got bored, but Freya came over and we buried each other for a bit yippee. Had juice and biscuits and i actually managed it without much chaos. Soon i was sent to wash up and make myself a hot chocolate. Listened to the noises of foreign people jumping through hoops next door while cheering and playing short bursts of really good piano. Wondered why the kettle was taking so long to boil before remembering it never did and i just had to turn it off. Poured myself choc, realised i only had 10mins to finish, slurped it and scalded myself.

Washed up hastily but thoroughly while trying to regain feeling in mouth, and hurried back to room. Grabbed some kiddies, gulped choc, grabbed some plastic brocolli, splashed cup and started handing out coats. Three kids insisted the same coat was theirs, and after dressing the original one (and removing their dresses) Helena laughed to Lynn "Look emilys put the wrong coat on!" and i had done it twice, originally it was a totally different kiddie's. *sigh*

Eventually escaped for lunch after herding kiddies back to nursery. Met alice, hugged, and couldnt afford lunch so scavenged half of hers by feebly puppy eyeing her and stealing things. Hoho. Wandered down street and bought some cookies and then trundled back to nursery for afternoon. Was told to rearrange two pints of milk that had appeared, so spent a good 10 minutes shifting about everything in the entire fridge to fit them in. Meh.

Played for a bit, cant really remember. Helena and Isobel were reading stories on the slide, and Ella was underneath poking them through the holes. Helena was like "She keeps poking me up the bum!" and i started laughing and they all looked confused but laughed anyway. Twas funny.

Lala. Not fair alice just got pissed at me because she got the wrong idea. *sobsob* Hate it when people do that. She was still pissed too, even after i explained. Mah. If she wasnt reading gay porn she might have noticed the convo she agreed to :P

Anyway. I wandered over and found Ella who was so cute i decided to play with her. Spent ages teaching her how to put dolls drawers into dolls shelves, and then she wanted a go on the swing so i pushed her on that for a while. Then eric wanted a go, so i unloaded Ella and spun him round and he was very brave. Then Sam came over and declares "You need to close your eyes!" and i got paranoid because hes kinda violent, and asked why. "So i can see the purple!" and i remembered i had purple eyeliner on. I obey and he and eric stare like 0_0 and are like awww nice pretty.

Then i push sam on the swing for a bit, then Erics mum comes and hes like "I gotta go" Im like ok bye, can i have a hug? *hold arms out* He smiles shyly and grabs arm "Ill hug your arm!" and he wraps himself around my arm. But sam is like WHEEE and literally throws himself at me. LITERALLY. I roll backwards, dragging eric with me and they both kinda sprawl atop me all limbs hugging me. i was like 'AWW THIS IS SO CUTE!' hehe it really was.

I got free and Helena comes over lugging Ella "She wants you" I hastily grab the poor little thing and plonk her on my lap and curl round her and point at things. Trundle over to play with trains (choochoo!) when suddenly something really hard and painful and overall SOLID whacks my head and the shadows change abrubtly. I have no reflexes so i didnt flinch, but i am slightly surprised to find the parasol now sprawled over the trains. I rub my head, reach round and push the thing back upright with a glare as Karl emerges. "Whats happening?" It fell over. "Oh thats not very good, have to take it down. Everyone ok?" Yeh, it just landed on me. "Oh ok, you saved ellas life!" Hoho. I wander over to sit back down again, thinking maybe i was too concussed for it to hurt.

Jennie compliments me on my ella-hugging hehe, and then its teatime. I grab Eoin who is REALLY HEAVY so i end up shoving him mutely at Karl rather than putting him in the highchair as intended. I swear karl thinks im a bit useless really. I reaarrange the kiddies and smile at them, hand out food CONFIDENTLY because i actually know what im doing. Dispose of some spat out biscuit (aww thankyou joshie thats nice!) and handed out cheese and refilled cups and dragged kiddies around and suchlike.

Whopee! Watched some wallace and gromit, had a convo with Lynn while tidying up (wheee yey i made her laugh whooo) and got out for 5.30. Squee! Ohh i had a ice mocha last night and lots of chocolate covered coffee beans, but i still went to sleep. Shows my immunity to the stuff that affects everyone else. Probably why i cant get drunk. Wouldnt be surprised to find i cant get stoned either.

Ok now david is going on like i have admitted to fancying him (he pretended i did) and is promising to hug me and kiss me and stuff. Kinda scary, but hey. He wouldnt dare. He is also saying he might get a haircut. NOOOOOOOO. I find this amusing. I emailed Mikey too, which is nice to be in contact again. I might be off to a NAGTY summer course right over my birthday for two weeks which will be a downer, but i will have my party afterwards and invite lots of people. I am off to corfu the week after next, and im getting my eyebrow pierced!

HOW COOL IS THAT! I think its pretty damn cool and am pretty happy about it. Hehe. Ok i should have left 20 minutes ago. Love you all lots! hugs to yas! Kiddie hugging so sweet. I got to ruffle their hair and everything, and if i did they would hold my hands and hug me and things. Their so affectionate! Just what i needed when ive been in the moods i have - i.e randomly affectionate.

Im glad im doing this, it will have really cute memories. It also gives me an overwhelming urge to hug random people and ruffle their hair, and i caught myself asking the cat who was at the door in a squeky voice, but hey pleasure and pain and all that! xxxx <3 xxxxx

Thank you terror, thank you dissilisionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thankyou oh thankyou silence. How about me enjoying a moment for once?

You'll get older yeah, and you'll get stronger. It may take a week, and it may take longer. Gonna make it baby in our prime, get together one more time.


(2 shots | Go Shoot)

War? We dont speak anymore of war.   
06:04pm 05/07/2004
mood: tired

Ok so i better get on with this day. i should be writing in the w/e diary, but i dont think theres enough room. Copy a shortened version up later. Anyway. Emailed Mikey late last night which was really nice, cos his email was seriosly random which is....nice. Its a change from people who like to insult you anyway, whether they mean to or not of course.

Phee what a relief. Im gonna ramble like hell, a well needed break from reminding people what school i come from and what my name is readily puncutated with murmers of "good girl!" and "No come here, noooo rosaaaaa come baaackk dont cryyy nooo pleeeeaaaseeee dont be scared of me no no no...." Hehe. But it was fun. I think i have more wierd things to talk about now than ever before, a full and new day for sure, but by the end of the two weeks i think i will be dead. Oh well.

To start from the beginning would, of course, be logical. Got to the nursery at 8.25, rang bell, waited about 10 minutes and then old but nice looking woman emerges, remembers my name and greets me in the well educated yet soft tones of one more than used to dealing with unruly children. I resist the urge to sidle away with a dummy, and smile in what was, due to my nerves, probably more likely to be a death grimace. Oh well, no kiddies yet. Infact, no one there except me and the manager - jennie.

I stand nervously and refuse a nice hot drink, and then the staff appear and soon the kiddies follow. Jennie shows me the long rota of kids names and explain to me about everyone it seems who has ever entered the building. She expected me to remember the names? At that moment, i had already forgotten my own - much to my dismay when the worker asked me who i was again.

I will do a quick summery, more for my own memory than the interest of those reading. Gale and Lynn were the workers, with Karl as a helper (who seemed loathe to ask me to do anything at all, which was very annoying)

Rosa: Youngest there. Scared of me. Cries at me. Needs blanket and poobear at all times or else will cry like hell. Likes to hug everyone but me. Has vendeatta against me.

Sam 1: Large blonde kid with seriosly agressive temprament. I once put his jacket on, but he has tendancy to be...annoying.

Sam 2: Does everything sam 1 does as if a mirror, but is more sulky.

Isobel: Cute little kiddie who i played with al afternoon. Has some butterfly hairclips that keep falling out and a crochered white cardie she likes not to wear. Along with everything else, for that matter.

Amber: Tiny little girl with ginger hair. Constant snotty nose. Keeps bursting into tears, generally near me. Inconsolable.

Benji: Another little blonde kid. Fairly quiet and cute really.

Aidan: New kid today. Curly brown hair. Beckoned me all over playgroup to play with him. sweet.

Eloiuse: Oldest except for annie. Likes to play on swings and behave like an adult but responds well to baby talk except for an occasional funny look. Has pair of comfort binoculars she keeps losing and asking me to find for her (i swear its a ploy to make me go away!)

Eoin: Small fat young boy with constant whiffy nappy. Kinda annoying and meaty, but when grabbed long enough can be bearable.

Annie: Pretentious little 5 year old who thinks shes an adult. Terminally annoyiong when not at school, but can be useful in getting eloiise off swings.

Liberty: Small girl with huge dark brown eyes. Avoids me. Has tendancy to take all her clothes off without warning.


I think ive got them all then. I swear i have forgotten one, but oh well. So yes. After waving and smiling to all the parents, its time to drag the kiddies off to playgroup. "Go hold emmas hand!" encorages Lynn to rosa, who looks at me and quivers before threatening to cry and sidling up to lynn. I am delegated to the larger buggy, which is presently filled with Amber who eyes me. We walk down the street to playgroup, and i try to steer in a average straight line and try not to concus the little thing when we go down the steep curving steps to playgroup. Someone really needs to invent buggies that TURN CORNERS.

Get to playgroup and a few more kiddies await us along with Karl and a lot of toys. Kiddies spread out to investigate and after pleadingly asking Lynn what to do she takes pity on me "Just play with something near them, and they will come and take it off you." So i spot Aidan and Rosa at the 'rice pit' (dont ask) so sidle over and poke about in the rice.

Two hours later i have rice under my finger nails. Rosa still refuses to come near me and i have given up trying to befriend her, settling instead for avoiding her like the plague. Aidan meanwhile jumps from toy to toy, obeys my every suggestion and if i dont follow him waves at me and beckons. While still trying to figure out what a certain one of his kitchen toys actually WAS, tea break is called. The juice is poured and despite Aidens frequent scoldings for getting up (namely, it seemed, to smile uncertainly at me) it all goes pretty well. Lynn gives me a hot chocolate, Karl offers me a biscuit (i swear he is mocking meeeeee) and time passes.

The toys are changed. I beg what to do and Lynn suggest "Why dont you clear up the lego? It can go in those boxes on the stage" Oh, did i forget to mention we seemed to be in a minauture theatre? I start to tidy lego and Karl turns "Oh you dont need to put that away." i freeze uncertainly and Lynn saves me by coming back. "I just told her to!" Karl shrugs and grins. "Shes the boss!" he answers my unspoken question, and i pour some more lego into the box.

New toys are set out and the slide is one of them. This seems to be a old cclothes dryer with a plank attatched to it, and seems just as safe. When Karl and Lynn have stopped supervising it, i sidle nearest to look busy since all the kiddies seemed to be managing just fine to play without me. I lift a few kiddies on the slide, watch benji slide down forwards (i thought it sounded dangerous, but the staff thought it was funny so hey) and so on. Isobel comes over and complains about her cute butterfly hairclips. She then pulls them out and gives them to me, so i kidnap her to try and put them back in. Hmmm.

Suddenly, shock horror, i blink and Amber is on the floor. She had been trying to climb the slide and had tumbled from the bottom step. There is a frozen pause, and then she screams. I hurry down, glance around for anyone to rescue me - but no one has noticed. I try to tug her upright but she is floppy as a doll, so i wrap my arms around her and hold onto her as tight as i can, making senseless shushing noises, trying to ignore the fact i can see her nappy and edging towards a seat. I sit down, sandwich her on my lap and hug her.

About 20 minutes go by, and each time she seems to be slowing down in her sobs she crys "mama!" and screams even more passionately. I have run out of tissues by now (she had a snotty nose already for gods sake, this is tissue hell!) so settled for wiping her tears across her face instead. Eventually she quiets, although i begin to suspect this is more due to the fact i gave up and put her down than to any of my comforting skills.

She wanders off, i sigh - somewhat shaken, and there is a scream and more sobs as she bites benji. She is dragged off, and Benji is towed away to be noted down in the accident record book. I am consigned to helping somone make bead neckacles (i think it was isobel) and trying to pry the sams away from the water container. Failure. Isobel gets bored and sam ignores me, so i drag him away instead and plonk him down somewhere else. Its time to pack up, finally.

I leave for one second to put some plastic animals in the storage cupboard (i didnt have a clue where it was mind you) and when i come back the floor is empty and there are three children crying. One is amber, another is liberty, and a third is sam 1 who i think does it out of guilt more than anything. Liberty doesnt seem too frantic, so i walk over to amber who is stood in the middle of the room sobbing like her life depended on it. Pushing me away with cries of 'mama!' i settle for stroking her hair and smiling paindly to anyone who comes in. No one takes the hint, and when i give up and walk away Amber shuts up promptly. I begin to get slightly paranoid.

Its coat time, and i kidnap Isobel and try to redress her. it kinda works. The sam1 comes over all innocence and declares i need to help him put his jacket on. I do so obligingly.

On the return trip i am assigned the buggie with Aiden in who doesnt recognise me but hesitantly smiles anyway. I heave it up the stars, weave it down the street, wave to my mum and push it determindly inside the nursery. Lunch break.

Me and my mum dissapear to blakehead and i chat to alice about work. It is nice, i eat salad and nothing else, and begin to wonder how long one day can last. I return to work in time for the end of the lunchtime video. Aiden has been kidnapped by his mother, so i am sat like a stiff in a corner watching angelina the ballerina. Finally they are let out to a new array of toys (but not before a long consignment to the nursery room) and off they go.

I cant remember much. Fairly early on someone shoved a bottle of suncream at me and told me to grab a kid and apply it to any part i could hold still long enough. I stare after them in open mouthed dismay, and they pity me enough to call sam1 over. "Sam let me put some suncream on you!" i watch her determindly and then she calls liberty. This time i have to do it mysef, but manage well enough. Elouise is next and she is very nice in a childish way, showing me her scratch on her leg and exclaiming i must be very careful because it hurt.

Isobel next and i manage to get her hair stuck to her cheek, after five minutes of trying to pry it loose she gives me an expression of fond despair and deftly wipes it free. I sigh and go back to slathering factor 40 on their legs. Rosa refuses to be approached by me, and so does sam2, but the others i manage in a bewildered sucess. I sit around a bit watching, and at some point i discover Isobel has decided i need to be tied up.

She wraps a chain around my legs and tugs me towards the nursery. "Come on were going to prison!" i glance around for help, or at least some nice person to tell me what to do, but no one seems willing. I go to prison. She plonks me down on a chair and i try to hold onto the chain. She laughs and points out the plastic dinosaurs before heading for the door, but my piteous cries of "No dont leave me alone with the dinosaurs they are too scary!" must have been good enough because she moans "awww" and scoops the dinosaurs under a table. "I'll stay and keep you company then." she informs me.

I sidle up on my footstool chair and she sits next to me and we make out way through 5 kiddie stories. I try my hardest for gay voices and get my revenge by randomly asking her what things are and what color they are. That is as far as my imagination stretches. She goes to get a drink, instructing me to stay stay stay and wait for her. I do so and am rewarded by her exclaiming "Im tired." Before grabbing a book and curling up in my lap. I read, but i dont know if she listened.

Sweetness, she clings on and i wrap my arms around her and get a few fond looks from Lynn who occasionally pops in. Then i persuade Isobel to go outside and we retire to 'the rocket' better known as the wierd plastic contraption involing a slide and hideholes. After managing to convince the girl i really wouldnt fit inside, we play hide and seek (us vs the imaginary people outside) before she wanders off to water the plants.

She declares she is ill, fetches some doctors tools and mock-faints. I poke her with them for a bit and she decides i am feeble at being a doctor so instructs me to lie down. She then pokes me with a plastic needle, tells me she has cut my leg and all my hair off, and tries to stick a plastic chewed scalpel in my mouth.

It rains and there is a mad dash for the nursery. "Where do these go?" i ask of Karl in bewilderment as he yells at me to start tidying stuff away. "Good question! Doesnt matter, just go and make sure the kids dont poke each others eyes out!" he informs me in amused irritation. I wander in, find them all docile, and wander back out and start colecting cars. This time, i dont ask.

On my final return, Isobel wanders over and smiles at me, before wrapping herself around my legs in a hug. She doesnt even reach my waist, but i am touched and bend awkwardly to stroke her hair and pat her shoulders. She lifts her arms up and holds my hands and swings around for a bit and i am reminded how cute kiddies can be. She smiles, i hug her once more, and then she is off. I am alone again it seems.

Most of the kiddies are napping, the rain soon stops and i am found outside trying to interest Eoin in the cars. I have long since given up trying to push Eloiose on the swings (another thing isobel showed me how to do , it seemed) and annie has arrived and is telling everyone she knows what to do. I find it quite annoying but ignore it. Tea time it seems and they are all arranged with bowls. I am given some water and scrounge a few snack foods and poke them at the other kiddies. Oh, i forgot, there was half an hour of Rosa wailing since she had lost her blanket. The fact i didnt understand a word she said and had to go find jennie to help didnt do much for my confidence either. Finally she saw Karl, made a dash from me and shut up.

Dinner and everyone settles down to watch the disney version of 'the king and i' and the annoying birdie songs get in my head. It is very interesting though (at least it makes sense) and i try halfheartedly to stop Eoin abusing the other children with chairs. Finally they are leaving, and i wait in the dusky sunlight of half past five, stomach growling, prickled with chill.

Cute day. Very very long and very very new. But alltogether not unwelcome. Foodtime.

We will fight the heathens. I have a problem that i cannot explain. I have so many questions i cannot excuse. I have no reason to be this confused. i dont know how i feel, when im around you. You learn to fear the love, you learn to love the fear. These days are never ever coming back.


(Go Shoot)

Babys on fire, and all the laughing boys are bitching. Oh the plot is so bewitching!   
10:14pm 04/07/2004
mood: reckless

So. Saturday. We got up and went into town and i met up with jenny and micky and bumped into alice who was grounded. We wandered round town, alice got jumpy and left fairly early poor thing. We went to the juggling convention thingy and got a plastic spoon and stood watching the cute guy with the long long blonde hair ride a unicycle, and the cute cute guy with the shoulder length dark brown hair, tan skin and slender hands decked with thick silver rings, a red maroon weave jumper and nice jeans juggle.

Hehe. And there was this creepy hippie dude whose clothes revelaed more than they covered, and who looked kinda wierd, but both jenny and micky liked him. Watched, Jenny crept into a corner, crouched down and stayed there, appearing to smile benignly if you could actually manage to see under her hat :P Uhuh. So yeh. Went home pretty early but it was cool anyway, bought some jeans and ice coffee.

Sunday spent with relatives amazed at the material unawareness of my cousins - they want so much and seem to put no financial value on it. Just something they want and will therefore get, they dont even know what they are getting half the time, just that they want it. Its scary. Ah well. My granparents made the customary comments about my report such as "shes too shy!" and "You musnt be afraid everyone will laugh at you if you ask for help" and i think neither are true but hey, its not worth the effort of dissauding them - i dont know if i could anyway.

Ah well. Im emailing Mikey who sent me a REALLY wandom email which made me smile and want to hug him for its randomness. No other emails from friends excepts forwards today, downer, normally i have a few more to reply to. Oh well.

Take your time, shes only burning. This kind of experiance is necessary for her learning. If you'll be my flotsam, I'll be half the man I used to. Her temperatures rising, and any idiot would know that.


(Go Shoot)

They're trying to build a prison, for you and me to live in   
09:51pm 02/07/2004
mood: alone

I hate coming home to myself. I end up talking to the cat, and then when he dissapears i end up talking to myself PRETENDING to be the cat. 0_o Im not mad, im just kinda disturbed god damnit. Then i talk about the fact im talking to myself.

You get the idea.

Sorry i havent updated (oh my avid fans *coughjenny*) but the past few days have just been normal. School ended and i got my report which was good. Walked home. Jenny read my story. Today i skipped sports day and made buns all day (no, literally) while listening to the xisloaded single on loop.

I made faery cakes, but the icing was watery so i had to add looooaaaddsss of icing sugar. Is the spoon supposed to support itself?? *watches icing sugar trickle onto sideboard* Hmmm.

Fone calls and eventually ended up at jennys with the rest of em (minus the males) where we ate smartie cookies and faery cakes.

This was very good indeed, because last night Mikey became my faery godmother (quote micky) and he said i could have one wish. My wish involved having cookies. I got cookies. Im looking forward to the rest of the wish <_<

So then me and micky went on the trampoline which was like WHEEEE and it was very fun indeed squee. Trundled back in for dinner and then off we went on the bus with alice singin 'ring around the roses' to the odean to see shrek 2.

The whole drama crew (including GG and Piers) had turned out which was rocking. I think Piers came over briefly to say hi, and Roisin was hyperly saying hi and then we got largely ignored. The film was ace, i love puss in boots! SOOO CUTE. Ya. Piers kept poking alice (he was sat behind us) and doing heavy breathing and saying too loud "Im gay-" or smth like that.

Lala. Came out the film, got ignored some more and wandered over to be picked up. Waited, and over sauntered Dale to lurk nearby smiling nervously and glancing at us. Eventually alice said hi and he came a bit closer so as to be 'in the circle' and chatted uneasily for a bit. Got picked up, got dropped home, didnt get any hugs off the ppl i wanted hugs off (whose fault is that) and here i am.

Im listening to brian eno - babys on fire. I asked david for that last nite. Well actually i said 'ive got this song on my head and it goes babies on fire betta throw her in the water. Do you know what it is? I really wanna find it.' so ten minutes later he had found it, downloaded it, and sent me it. *jumps up and down* How rockin is that? Hes now being wierd again and not talking much. I DONT WANNA BE ALL ON MY OWN it will make me talk to myself or something.

The silence is too heavy. I have a purple tongue.

Always wanna play but you never wanna lose. Life is a waterfall, we drink from the river now we turn around and put up our walls. Swimming through the void we hear the world, we lose ourselves but we find it all. We are the ones that wanna play, always wanna go but you never wanna stay. We are the ones that wanna chooose.....(back to beginning)


(Go Shoot)

I never lose control, its just a state of mind...   
05:52pm 29/06/2004
mood: hungry


This song is quite good really. The vocals are a bit tame, but theres some really good guitar - and im not really one to appreciate instruments over voice so there ya go ^^

Today dudes dawned....i cant remember...i think it was kinda overcast. Rushed to school cos we were late (theres a surprise) and uhuh...had art, yeh thats right. Made loadsa scummy white paint, daubed some yellow in it and slopped it all over my 'cubism' drawing before having my photo taken (eek i hate self portraits) and running like hell for the sanctuary of maths.

Maths she talked all lesson, and I left for break to talk to Mikey and Mickey and wonder at the location of alice and jenny. Went and nabbed meself a locker (empty one...) but this involved trailing to the from room where weasel boy (aka david nichols) was waiting in ambush and mobbed us with various strange accusations, once of which was "Eh emily, [someone] fancies you!" indeed? "No...wait...no, i mean david! David robertson!" *looks proud of himself* I sigh to myself and wonder if he could have thrown that one at me a couple of months ago when it was first started, rather than half a year later. Saddo.

Uhuh. Science next where i plonked myself down next to Piers who didnt move (yey) cos the drama people were in rehearsal (so GG wasnt there, basically) and after having the science teacher tell me i would just have to do all the work that i had had stolen again, i wandered past alice who complained she wanted to sit with me. I told her i would get George to move, and despite not believing my own words - did so and am very proud of myself haha.

George. "What?" Can you move and go sit next to some of your friends please? "What?" Will you move, please? "No!" Aww please? "....why?" I really want my friend to sit next to me. "..." Please? "Oh fine, but im taking the stool!" *george storms off without taking the stool* MUHAHAHAHAHA

Alice comes and sits next to me (oh yes, i asked piers for his email, he said he had forgotten so i glared at him and retorted 'fine, i want your mobile number though' and he gave me a funny look and promised to give me it at lunch) and piers looks surprised. I forget the finer details of what happened, but i remember a few things. Piers was talking to Sam, and i over heard "ME AND EMILY ARE GETTING MARRIED!" so me and alice both paused to stare.

Piers went red, grinned sheepishly and goes "I was being sarcastic, of course," to me where i roll my eyes, of course. The i forget why, he comments "Anyway, i think your having an affair with alice!" I raise an eyebrow and sigh. 'Mhm' i nod. He looks surprised, and i continue 'and jenny' in reference to his teasing. He stares, "Where does micky come into all this?" 'Oh her too, its a foursome.' Piers goes even redder and laughs chokingly "Noo my finace is having an affair with her three best friends, this is where our relationship breaks down you know!!" We both laugh and alice goes 'What what?' cos she hadnt been listening. Great one ^_~

Piers sighs. "You have driven me to suicide." 'Oh yeh, having loadsa girls all over you makes you kill yourself does it?' Piers nods and says they would smother him. Alice asks archly 'Would you prefer it to be loadsa lads, then?' and Piers goes, if possible, redder.

"NO! If a guy tried to rape me i would shoot myself. Or him, if i was thinking straight..." (ignore the pun) he went on like this for a while. before declaring "Im a chronic homophobe!" while still blushing and looking massively guilty. I raise an eyebrow as alice looks confused, 'Which basically means your just gay?' he stares and gapes as alice asks what it means. I explain 'It means he is a closet gay and too scared to admit it, so he gets angry in denial instead.' and he mouths in shock and then retorts "No it doesnt!" although you would think it did, the color he is burning with.

"Piers is gay?" asks alice in shock, and i laugh while Piers gasps useless denials before finally sulking 'Yes, im gay with sam.' and we all laugh and piers looks defiant. HAHA. Have various strange convos of which i have currently forgotten, before departing for awards rehearsal with jenny and then library for lunch.

Oh, did i mention Mikey was chatting about science the other day and he goes 'Oh i was looking at dozza's hair and i suddenly realised dying it red had made his eyes look really bright blue, but i really didnt want to say 'Oh dozza your hair color really brings out the blue of your eyes'' which made everyone laugh hehe.

Anyway. Davey was waiting with the rest in the library, and he made a dash for it as jenny approached and then we started to the park. Me and alice chatted to davey until we reached the gates, whereupon jenny ran up behind the poor lad, grabbed him and kissed him on the back of his neck. I forget how he reacted, but it was something terrified and i think he ran for it and asked what the hell had just happened. Funfunfun.

Got to the park and sat down after earning a strange look from Piers who was almost alone with a few girls (i dunno why the look) and Jenny threw food at david who tried to catch it in his mouth (and largely failed) while he peeled a stick. He used the stick to flick twigs at jenny but one went in her eye and she is like OW and he looks terminally guilty and actually leans forwards on all fours to roughly hug her (she seemed too in pain to notice this miracle,) and apologies profusely.

Micky meanwhile had grabbed the stick and was holding it just above davids arse with a evil grin, so all three of us dissolved in hysterical giggles as jenny and david must have wondered what the hell we were laughing at. He sat back and the food throwing commenced again, me managing to get a raisin down his top by some unimaginable feat so he had to stand up and shake his clothes out, which (when he showed his stomach) made me realise he actually is damn skinny - all his jumpers make him look normal :P

He threw a grape in the air and did a sort of backflip to land in a crab and catch it in his mouth, much to our amusement and applause, before Piers came over and crouched right behind me to give me his mobile phone number and yell me to txt him tonight. I asked david something by name and he whined "-eyyyyy!" and i laughed and explained this meant he officially wanted to be called davey, which amused me more than it really should, since he has been arguing viciosly for weeks about not being called davey :P

We laughed a lot and sauntered back to school in generally good spirits, and although i have a mind blank over what happened i know it was fun and gave me a mini high hehe. Oh yeh Mikey showed up yeh halfway through lunch and got poked and suchlike. We were outside school and david kicked a rubber thing on the grass and it turned out to be a used condom, so he literally ran off screaming as we all laughed and went eww, but he still hasnt got over the disgust :P I forget what we talked about, but i caught up with david and walked to the form room with him though waited outside for micky while he went in so as to avoid weasel boys rumours, not that i think he would be bright enough to notice we walked in together.

English next where i chatted to Mikey, doodled pink and purple flowers on my insane presentation prep sheet (i invented a hamster powere power station and was assasinated with a pea shooter by the rspca, who wrapped my body in a curtain, put me in a trolley and wheeled me into a river. The verdict on my death was 'irresponsible intereference with shopping apparatus') and then hugged everyone goodbye and headed off to the assembly.

Got nervous, chatted to Roisin, and then went up for my award with my eyes constantly fixed on the floor and gripping the stairrail to avoid falling over or smth annoying. Got award, came back down, met mother who told me i had looked 'very confident' and then she was bombed by mr B who kidnapped her and i wandered off for a while feeling like a reject until i found jenny and we went and mobbed the free cheapy food. Ended up in a room all alone with a bowl of popcorn (when we arrive, even the most popular room will empty in a matter of time) and munched that.

Took a handful home, was sad cos i couldnt wave to my graphics class and drove to pc world and bought a digital camera and checked out holidays hehe. Bought dogma and the new xisloaded single, and am now listening to that muhoho and checking out websites while talking to will darzey and mikey. Woohoo. Mikey doesnt think he can make it into town on sat, which is a bummer. Ah well,

Woo now david is online too, almost a convo *laughs* Hohoho, take care dudes, rock on.


Hold me thrill me kiss me, will you miss me? No one can tell me how much is real, how much I can feel, I will not reveal.  So get up get up, I've made up my mind, I'm out of control and I'm feeling fine...


(Go Shoot)

I need protection, from my reflection, give me perfection - take me away somewhere   
10:04pm 28/06/2004
mood: blah



Ok. I cant remember much of Friday, but I will retell the main events so as I don’t forget them ^^ I missed PE due to, guess what, ANOTHER BLOODTEST! My third, sadly, I have to have six or more to prove there is nothing wrong with me. But we wont go into that. I got to school, and after being accused of hiding behind a tree by the PE teacher I was left to go to citizenship and be given a work experience diary while I talked to Genevieve about her w/e and discovered she wasn’t too bad conversation. Beats sitting on your own, anyway.


Break and Jenny came along, whoopee because she was the only friend at school that day since Micky hadn’t come in and Alice was in scarborough with the german girl. We chatted, and then went to science where Piers moved to sit next to his friends (with an apology and promise to send Sam over…whoopee…that girl annoys me so much) so I tried and failed to get Jennys attention, thankfully she did move in the end so we did our project.


I went to get some sheets, and Mathew Baker, who seemed to be monopolising about 10 of them, bowed gracefully to me and handed me the most tattered one. I laughed, shook my head at him, and left. Stranger and stranger. Lunch I went for early meal with Jenny, since she had rehearsal and if I didn’t come with her I would have had to spend the entire lunchtime on my own. By the end of the day, I begun to wish I had, but I will get to that in a minute.


Liam Foster came to sit nearby, and said Hi. Jenny wondered at why he always greets her, but said hi back while I stared at him in an attempt to deduce his eye colour since Alice complains I never notice anyone's eyes. His eyes were dark grey blue and not so bad looking, although it was a shame about his face.


We left the lunch hall and went for our bags and while Jenny stuffed her lunch away I frowned and kicked at the bags in bewilderment. Mine though, wasn’t there.


Great one. Glared a bit harder and kicked a bit harder, but despite my attempts at glancing in the bin and behind the blackboard, my bag was determinedly missing. Jenny decided, to my gratefulness (that’s a word!), to accompany me to the staff room where we sheepishly informed them of what had happened.


A long trail of teachers and goblin look-alikes later, and we wandered down a corridor, looked in a bin, shook our heads gloomily and wandered back. The bell rang, and I still hadn’t found my missing bag. Registration and micky had appeared from somewhere, to report she had spent the lunchtime in the library with david, awaiting our return while having her head stuffed in books full of optical illusion of, don’t ask me why, penguins.


I told Mr Jones of my misfortune, and then was sent to find Mr Butterworth who laughed at the fact I was wired beyond belief and couldn’t seem to keep still. Losing your keys, phone, coursework, and current story does that to you. I was severely buggered (not in that sense of course JENNY!) and while looking on the roof, Mr B deemed it normal enough to chat about w/e with me and say he would get his year seven cover class to look for it.


Art next. I spent it still kinda hyper, and had to find the light box and trace my sheet. Tarin appeared and kindly informed anyone who was listening that the lightbox was downstairs, so I headed down, flicked the switch and nothing happened. I stared and trundled back up, dodging dozza’s graphics class (seeing him earlier in his p.e kit had unnerved me enough) and told the dumb townie in distress I didn’t know what to do.


The dumb townie laughed at me, reassured me she would sort it out, and we trundled downstairs to find Tarin huddled guiltily over the guillotine. Sparing him a glance, we played with the lightbox to no avail, cornered him to ask him if he knew what to do (he didn’t) so the townie grabbed it and trundled off upstairs. I followed, trying not to have hysterics, and we soon had the thrice-damned thing working.


I got frowned at by the other art teacher, because it seemed Tarin needed the lightbox more than me, and then geography where we had a supply teacher. Fay actually noticed I didn’t have a bag so offered me a twix bar in sympathy, so I spent geography trying to eat it without letting the teacher or any annoying townies notice (fun, really) and listening to Fay sing the whole of Cats, while dancing, and then retell the whole story of the holy grail or some such humorous thing. It was amusing, to my hysterical mindset anyway.


Walked to drive, spotted micky and jenny, had another quick-but-frantic search for my bag before chasing jenny to mickys. We got back to the drive and wandered around for a while, desperately trying to get in touch with alice in the fear we might have dodged her at some point without realising. After failing to phone her with jennys mobile (I hadn’t got mine of course, otherwise we would have at least had credit) we found the staff phone and snagged that instead.


Jenny was explaining to alice the situation, when from behind us Mr Fairclough emerged from…the cleaners cupboard…to grin at us with raised eyebrows as if to say ‘what the hell are you girls actually doing here?’ and me and micky had mini hysterics since he was the one coming out the under stairs cupboard, not us.


We walked to the bus stop, hung about for half an hour getting hysterical and laughing about butt monkeys and then got the bus to alices. Put music on, ate cookies, hugged alice who had…BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT.


It turned out a van had grazed the side of their coach and they had all been jolted and damaged before being left for two hours before lifts could be arranged. Downer. Alice was really depressed, so apart from going hyper, trying to kill a fly with the pencil case I had found on someones locker (it looked like mine, I dunno if it is or not!) and ‘squee-ing’ over the really kewl piccie of Dave (from InMe) that alice drew for me


(it had my s/n and nickname and everything on, drawn in pink biro! *jumps up and down* I was touched ^_~) and we ate and watched music tv and such like. After managing to miss razorlight on totp, we went home. I got yelled at for losing my bag, we got the locks changed and I think I went to bed.


Saturday I walked into cusp in the rain, listening to nirvana and mazza on my mp3 player and earning strange looks from nearby dudes. I enjoyed it anyhow, and we got out of cusp early to go watch jenny perform. Met up with micky (who had appeared from somewhere) after slurping a mocha and a muffin from starbucks, and wandered round town for a while.


Went to EXIT and saw none other than the elusive Jo Winn. While eyeing the niiiice clothes in that shop, the xisloaded badges, cute underwear and scary towels (micky kept declaring she wanted to have the monkeys babies) I glanced sidelong at Jo Winns gorgeous long hair. *sigh*


We eventually left there to the antigravity shop, to be replaced with an identical double but older. We eyeballed him (all of us!) and commented loudly on the strange stuff in the shop for a reason to stay there. The guy produced some balls, juggled for about 3 secs and put them away again (random or wot?) and then asked us if he could help. We said no, and then after half an hour felt inclined to buy something so me and jenny went halves on a weird rubber entwined rainbow bouncy thing. SQUEE!


Micky knawed at it (cos in theory she was eating the bit the guy had touched) and we all laughed and got hysterical and eyed Brendan outside borders. Cant remember what else I did that day.


Sunday I spent doing my English essay, with a small break for lunch and asda for grannies shopping. I got to see my cousins and had to quell a mad urge to hug one of them and be all affectionate, cos I would have got a damn weird reaction and probably been hit with something, but tried instead to be really interested since Peter is off to secondry school this year. AWWW SWEETIE!! Doesn’t mean I still don’t wanna hug him…0_o


Didn’t finish essay, so today (Monday) I tried to figure out what lessons I had and made my excuses to Mr B. He acknowledged them and told me to look for my bag, I did so and didn’t find it and came back to Mikey who commented bewilderedly “Where have you beeeeeeen??????” so I laughed and told him all about it.


Earlier in the lesson GG laughed and threatened she was going to come and sit next to me next lesson, because didn’t I get lonely sat all alone. I wondered at that point if Mikey truly was invisible, and still haven’t figured what im gonna do about the offer since the times Mikey isn’t there I am damn lonely, yes.


Biology next, I hugged alice and we trundled up to sit and do sheets and not-get-results. Piers came over declaring, “Im bored, I want someone to talk to.” And sat splay legged on a stool, dipping his hand in the water, talking about wine, poppy brite (he was not sure about reading it when jenny told him it had male gay porn in) and other such things. Messed about for a while, he talked to alice for ages and then the lesson ended and off we went to break, where Micky did coursework, Mikey got a chair for me and pushed it all the way over (I got yelled at for sharing a chair) and…stuff.



French next where we did weather and I forgot to mention InMe to Isobel, who according to alice likes them. I keep forgetting, seems a pretty random subject to bring up really but hey. Lunch next where Micky or Mikey or David didn’t show up, so I was forced to go to choir with alice and jenny.


Got harassed by some bloody annoying townies for a while so didn’t eat much, and then sat in the music room all lunch time trying to eat cheese without making rustling noises and trying not to puke at the gay ‘we love god’ songs.


Eeek. Scary as hell. Not my thing, anywayz.


Registration, and David troubled to poke me and inform me I had been missed at lunch. For one shocking moment I thought he meant by him, but he explained Mikey had been wandering round the park looking for us and I felt guilty as shit and apologised profusely to him and wanted to hug him but was feeling too insecure.


Maths, which was spent in a different room. Mickys class was next door, and I seriously mistook dozza (who had his hair tucked behind his ears) for a girl, which amused me immensely. Oh, did I mention the annoying townies insisted I was new (whyyy?) and I was American (whyyyyyyyyyy?) god damn it, if facts depended on opinion I WOULD BE.


Maths and geog, which were pretty damn boring as far as I remember, although I mused over the ficcy I had been rewriting in choir. In Maths toby coleman grabs GGs girly coat and goes “I wanna try this on!” she replies no chance, and he moans “Aww but I might look good in it! I always look good in girls clothes, and jewellery!” brandishes his girly jewellery at us. No one seems half as amused by this as me, and no one finds it weird except me. WHY AM I WEIRD AND NOT THEM?


 Walked home with alice and mikey after being let out late, and we all had hysterics over Mikeys conversation starter of “So, you write gay porn?” which became an immediate classic and was therefore inserted into any silence long enough with the result of sheepish grins and more hysterics on everyones part.


Got halfway home when alice yelled,

“SHIT ive forgotten the german girl!” So we all dashed back to school, pretended we had been kept in (for 20 min :P) and walked back home but this time with the german girl trailing us. Whoopee. I forget what we talked about, but it was damn fun anyway. Hugged Mikey goodbye (hes taller than me, I can only just rest my chin on his damn bony shoulder!) and then alice (who is holding on longer every time I swear) and then trotted off home.


Went into acomb to buy a padlock (my mum has decided I need to keep my bad inside my locker at lunch…) and came home to write English. NOW IM HERE.


Worship me, im gonna drop dead. Well, actually im not. My mum has been having panic attacks cos she thought I had cancer, hehe, cos of all the queer stuff on the bloodtests. I don’t. Im not gonna die (today, anyway) so go me.


Doncha love me, doncha want me to live another day? Answers on a postcard. xx




I've seen a ghost in the future, sometimes it gets hard to hide.


(1 shot | Go Shoot)

Hey you what can you see? Something beautiful, something free? Hey you are you trying to be me?   
08:20pm 24/06/2004
mood: crazy

Today was kinda lame really. Walked to school and the weather was ewwie, got to form room and then did what...graphics, where Mr Brown was back and i managed to escape homework by being outraged (hehe) and Tom Cooks phone kept bleeping and Piers kept glancing at me seemingly to see if i had noticed this too.

Geography next where i basically read out a load of results and giggled at Mr Boothman with Fay who was hyper and kept mocking him and suchlike. Basically funny ^^ He doesnt have to do anything special, hes a dope show all by himself *blargh*

Break. Walk into library and eye the german girl, then sit down and immediatly make a fool of myself by mishearing what she asks me and...well its embarassing anyway. Somehow alice realises and goes "Aww it doesnt matter," which makes me smile because she normally doesnt notice such things. I would have hugged her, but the table was in the way and i was too busy not looking at anyone and being busy.

The german girl sits in silence as alice hands me the ficcy to read, but as soon as i start to read it she keeps interupting me and asking me things. I cant say i mind, the silence is getting a bit deafening really - the librarian really should remember that thing about people working in here at those moments. I try to answer as best i can and laugh at the vague attempts to ease the tension that coils around us, and the german girl smiles stiltedly because she doesnt seem to understand a word we say. Meep.

Art next and alice asks in a roundabout way to meet at B6, so i agree (why wouldnt i?) and head off to art on my lonesome (i gave her me story hoho i wonder if shes read it all yet) and rule lines on my work and get told im not being brave enough, although i thought i was being damn brave compared to some people.

Wander out of art and trundle up to B6 where i eye Piers through the door before spotting alice so, if i remember correctly, i trundle over there instead and give her a hug. She seems pretty wired, nervous because she wants to please everyone perhaps and doesnt really get how to. We flutter about for a while until jenny turns up and the german girl finds another german and they converse together.

I need a hug! Wails alice, and I feel dead sorry for her and she holds on like a real hug for once and its raining, so jenny runs after Piers and grabs him (damn her) and he says theyre going to the park, so we do, but then we realise micky hasnt showed so we dash about trying and failing to find her and alice gets a bit more wired.

Head off to the park and sit swinging legs on the slides as the rain drips off our silence and everyone except jenny feels uncomfortable. JENNY ARE YOU EVER EVEN AWARE OF THESE SILENCES?? :P Eventually the crew show up, but they dont do much except freya comes over and harasses alice and bitches about her own german partner, while talking to the germans in the sort of tone you use on a mental patient, with your mouth forming wild O's and E's and your eyes wide with intent.

I finish lunch and skip down to alice who is kinda depressed cos she feels she cant talk to the german girl and i know how much she hates silences. Not that im a big fan either. I wish i could help her in some way, but im the silence queen, or so it seems, so i hug her again instead and we get the brolli out and walk home and i insist on linking arms with her because im bloody freezing, and she laughs when i nearly knock her unconscios with the umbrella.

Science in A9 next, but Micky doesnt show for registration. Its pissing it down and her form are out late, but we make it and have a brief stress on where to sit, but then alice has to leave for her music exam so we sit splayed along a row of desks, one to a table, and while the german girl stares in abject boredom, jenny seems to have forgotten anyone exists and is industriosly doing work and i am staring so hard at the sheet that anyone would think i were trying to set it on fire.

And i have no reason why...

Alice comes back and seems dismal and science progresses into RE, and we drop the german girl off at the library and somehow manage to pick up Piers instead and he rolls his eyes and teases us when we hug to say goodbye, so we all ignore him instead and he gives up and saunters into the classroom.

RE is boring, and i dont have a folder. Peter James and his nice hair turn around to watch the viddy, so i have to squirm onto my chair to avoid a)being kicked by him and b) blocking poor tommys view of the scintilating viddddddeeoo. The teacher buggers off, but Peter James still watches the vid, even pausing to ask us when the pictured event is happening. He mystefies me as to how he manages to both do work and keep his reputation. But hes got damn nice hair.

Alice likes adam holt. I think thats kinda wierd since i was staring at him and just thought he looks like a monkey, but then again i didnt get that long to look at him cos he kinda noticed and kinda looked at me kinda funny 0_o.

RE ended and jenny skipped off to go to WE and to cut a long story short Freya found us again and totally bitched about her exchange partner while me and alice tried to discuss HBS and othersuch things and the germans wandered off. Hugged and said bye while Rosie yelled at alice for taking too long or some such thing, and strode home shivering and not-looking-at-dozza.

Got home. Pasted up a load more photos on my wall, so many now they are encroaching upon poor old Mazza like a tide of gay badly posed happiness upon the beach of gothic anger, and theres a thrilling metaphor for you. Then i munched a coconut bar thingy and came on here, and wrote three more thrilling pages of my story and wondered how more OOC it could get. Possibly not much, because they are soo OOC that they never actually had InC so hey.  



Light a candle for the sinners - set the world on fire. I dont believe in nothing that dont believe in me. Anti-people, now you've gone too far...



(1 shot | Go Shoot)

Maybe we dont wanna live in a world where our innocence is so short?   
07:34pm 23/06/2004
mood: happy

Ok dudes today! Walked to school with jenny (now theres a surprise) and uhuh. Cant remember what we talked about really, though i have memories it was fun. Mhm. Got to school early for once in my life (well, 2nd time) yeah, cant remember much else.

English first i thinkies, where i read the SH stories i was so bored, and wrote exactly half a side *cheers herself* w00t. *eats some raspberries* Then maths which was lameness and such like and we did stupid equations. Break where i made up with alice and we hugged and all nice stuff ^^ squee, almost worth it for all the hugs. I get so many these days *frolicks in the sunlight* Hoho

Yahuh. David was with micky when we sat down so we chatted to him about smth or other and laughed when chris came over and all three of us thought he had said "50p if you want sex" when he had actually said DBX or smth random like that, but david of course replied with smth like "No chris ive already told you i dont want sex!" and poor chris just looked wearyly amusing.

Finding space in his bag for the cd, he unloaded a hoodie, a few games, some more cds and a pair of jeans. Me and alice were staring at him like 0_0 and she goes "Do you have a rabbit in there too?" and hes like "Yup its in the front pocket somwhere," :P

The chris is trying to persuade him to come get a cd or smth and hes like "Nooo i dont wanna go!" and me and alice both simultaneously exchange 'awww cute!' looks and go "AWWWW!" earning ourselves funny looks. He didnt go ^^

Bio next where we examined our wierd test tubes which had gone purple, and then went on the computers and looked at calling piccies while Piers laborously explained to us what we were suppoed to do. I dont know why, we didnt even ask him too. 0_o

Trundled off and i waited while alice went to the loo and i people watched and then alice came and attacked me from behind (basically hugged me, but...funly) which was fun so we all staggered outside where it was PISSING it down, like big fat drops of rain - so we screamed and hid under her jumper and ran for it.

Hung about in the library discussing HBS (Micky: nooo not the gay porn!) and micky drew stuff and me and alice pored over a mag until micky did too. Then someone poked me in the ribs from behind (behind AGAIN why always BEHIND?) and i yelped and curled up and david sniggered and sat down next to me so i glared at him.

Do i have a big sign saying 'pOkE mE' somewhere or something?

Anyway he tried and failed to read our ficcy and still didnt believe what it was, so we settled for poring over mags as david coloured in his midget drawing in pink biro and we discussed the many bois who fancy/ied micky. David said hutchy did, and as if called in came hutchy and sat down next to micky rubbing his eyes. Micky made eyeballing gestures at him and we all laughed and he looked bewildered, so david said "I told her you like her, and she likes you too!" and micky said "NO I DONT!" and he said "What?" and we all laughed.

Yeeyeeyee. Messed about some more and pored over stuff and generally had fun for once (hutchy dissapeared, cant remember why...) and alice drew me a InMe guy in pink SQUEE which was goooood and we wrote '[insert name here] floats my boat' on each other arms hehe. and then alice goes "its wednesday, its five to, SHIT WE HAVE 10 MIN FOR LUNCH!" so we all cursed and made a mad dash to lunch where i gave david some cheese to eat because there wasnt any food left.

So he went and bought some sweet things and offered me and alice one with hundreds and thousands on top ^^ squee! So we all ate lunch and cookies (much to davids dismay) and giggled and such like and then got up and made a run for registration and managed not to be late.

French next where alice asked me what her current drawing should wear. He ended up in a shirt. We wandered to graphics together and she sat on the foldy table and it folded up *giggles* and she was like WOAH. Then we had the science teachers for supply so i planned my rock band board game \m/

Got out of skool, chatted to alice and jenny for a bit then got picked up by mother in SMART CAR OHHHH YEH! and drove around listening to rockin music at full volume (well, when i figured out how to operate the tape player) and got lost but ended up in hovingham and we had the sunroof open and we both sang along to nirvana and stuck our hands out the sunroof and it was really sunny and gorgeous.

Got a mocha and a disgusting chese and gammon sandiwch (it was nice at the time, but now i wish i hadnt had it...ew) and looked at the nice waitresses hair and listened to her chatting to little kids before eyeing a cute boi on a bike while i waited in the car and listened to music. Bumped music (silverchair) up to TOP volume and wound down all the windows and i stuck my head out,

which always makes me really happy and high so i laughed and sang loudly and badly to silverchair and stuck my hands and head out windows and sunrooves and laughed lots more. Stopped at some shops and i saw this WONDERFUL khaki like army jacket thingy, but it was too big for me :'( then we drove back (more wind blowing) and the whole countryside was bathed in this russet gold sunlight of early evening it was like bliss!

Got home and ate raspberries and macaroon sugar which is yummy indeed *squee* now i hope someone comes online for me to talk too. *dances* Mite write more story..hmmm....perhaps *dances more*

I have an aim for before the end of year. Get  a hug off both Piers and David, cos theyre the only ppl i know who wont willingly hug me (not that ive ever tried) so thats my end of yr aim, since my new years resolution belly flopped THERES STILL TWO WEEKS LEFT FOR IT TO WORK!! Hohoho.

HUG TIME! any help *hinthint* would be appreciated cos i want my aim to HAPPEN dude!


Read more...Collapse )


(3 shots | Go Shoot)

You make me feel alone   
09:29pm 22/06/2004
mood: pissed off

Ok i gotta calm down before i write this and not write sHiT in it. Write about my day instead and ignore the fact i've just been insulted by one of my best friends who then changed the subject. *is insulted* That just pisses me off, i know it was supposed to, but still.

Thats all im saying on that topic.

Okkkkk. Caaaaaaaaalm. Isnt it a bugger that your friends know exactly how to hurt you the most? isnt it a bugger when they DO?

Today i walked to school with jenny and we saw a headless bird. This started a convo about someone saying 'i will eat your head' and i thought it was darzeth, but it wasnt it was Piers. I muddled them. Again. Bugger. Lala we got to skool early, even,

IT the teacher finally realised i could click a mouse without assistance, so did me the favour of telling me how to get extra marks. it involved ONE  BUTTON and ONE COLUMN but he still seemed to think i would be hard pushed to get the idea *sigh* Maths next. Boring. GG asked me if i wanted to go to york dungeon with her and some of her crew (she said she would pick the ones she thought i liked 0_o) which will be nifty.

Break. (Yesterday we were told we had to do smth so i told alice to go grab the qu'uran, so hearing mickys cries of "will you get that qu'ran off my geography coursework!" amused me immensely, as did other related things) and then science.

I was greeted by Piers who poked me (i squeaked and twitched) and declared somewhat determindly but embarassedly "Im hyper today - im poking everyone!" and poked me some more. I poked him back and he twitched and looked downcast, but then he refused to move so i gave up. Sadly, he didnt, although it was kinda amusing.

Lala. Inbetween poking every available part of my body (literally) he told me i could come to paintball on next sunday with them if i wanted and had the money. I enthusiastically agreed (yey!) and he promised to get me a flyer. Did no work, poked sam, poked jenny, poked each other and got more than one wierd look. I cant remember what else happened, ah yes - he coloured in my inme logo on my folder in neon pink highlighter that smelt of strawberries and declared he wished the band smelt of strawberries. Infact, he wished they all did. I agreed.

Got poked some more, giggled like a sad girly and then trotted off to discuss sports day with alice and jenny. Went to the park, said hi to david, and watched Piers play with these two tiny blonde kiddies with his mum (some fest was on) which was reaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyy cute. *squee* they were so small - like a third of his height and everything! AWWWWWW

Skool (ahh yes yesterday lunch was fun, watching hera and friends play football, take their tops off, and then watching topless japanese guys with mickey! :D) ended with english (boring dos where GG persuaded me to come sit with her which was nice) and graphics (more dos really where ms barratt pestered everyone in sight)

Walked home with alice who was sad about walking home on her own. Then with jenny. Ohhh did i tell yas we got a new car? Nifty xx

Got home, did boring fartarse homework until my head exploded. Came online and chatted to alice and david and dozza and mickey and one of mickys friends friends which all in all was nice and fun (except certain parts) and now theyre all talking bout dope.

and poo. David is sad i am not talking, this is his idea of incentive

why do i get  a virus every 3 mins...i cant take a shit without getting a pile o' virus thingers says:
na micky is dozzas only love...

why do i get  a virus every 3 mins...i cant take a shit without getting a pile o' virus thingers says:
and emily mine...hehe

i find that disturbing and told  him so. He told me he knew it would make me speak. Ahhh, im predictable as they are. Oh well, so fun and disturbing and such like. Heyyy im not as pissed off anymore *dontthinkaboutcomment*

Now he keeps talking about it, and is dissapointed i am not responding to it in predicted way (being insecure...EH?) Now hes dissapointed he hasnt FrEaKeD me out. He thinks that would??? Strange boi. Ahh well. I should have come offline already, no ficcy for me tonight *sighs* No..no...wait...hes seriosly trying to send me a pic of his arse. HIS ARSE. Godddddd what is this? Its not freaky, its just....kinda wierd.

why do i get  a virus every 3 mins...i cant take a shit without getting a pile o' virus thingers says:
i think emily is disturbed cos i sed i love her

DAMN WIERD. Im not disturbed. Strange boy, next time we will get the confessions about the HBS, what can ya say huh? it all comes out when ya dont say owt - silence asks all the questions *laughs*

If anyone thinks im serious, im not! Least i dont think i am *x-files music*

I GOT THREE NIFTY REVIEWS off the same person. Well, four counting yesterdays. They wuv me!! They weally wuv me!!


Take your hatred out on me, make your victim my head. I'll be born again, to take your heart away.


(2 shots | Go Shoot)

Can you save me from myself? I stand alone, now, alone,   
06:52pm 19/06/2004
mood: contemplative
Today *dances to the carnival malice mizer music* This music always makes me think of carnivals, you can just hear the candy and the laughter and the bright painted faces (and the freak shows of course with their caged pain) and the spinning dancing horses suspended by smiles of glitter shimmering bright?

Hoho im waxing lyrical, shoot me please. Anyway. Woke up at 11 moaned and moped and took painkillers and was out the house by 11.30 and on my way to CUSP. Didnt have time for any modern decency (hair and makeup) hehe, so must have looked pretty....tarin-like. Mobile phoned alice and talked to her for ages until she found her way to cusp, then wandered round music stores with her - eyeing the cute bois and falling into brendan while giggling hysterically.

Saw peter james and somehow he got paired with someone else. Saw some jelly cherries on the floor so went to woolies and bought a whole great tub of sweets (mainly cherries but some other things like rubber lips and jelly rings and hearts and things) and then to smiths to by a mag.

Walked round smiths, said something along the lines of "God knows!" and as if on queue narrowly avoided walking into him. Recoiled in fits of laughter, earned a strange look from him (he was with hera's brother - why not hera??? I could only tell it was his brother cos of the hoodie, otherwise theyre damn identical) and realised we were stood behind him in the queue.

He was wearing a large dulled grey hoodie and slumped under a brimmed white hat adorned with large floppy looking blue flower patterns. His hair poked out the bottem of the hat, and alice made such accurate comments about the cherries we were eating (yeh rite) as "Its so greasy!" and we couldnt stop laughing.

I got really close to poking him and saying hi, but then i ate a cherry and realised i wouldnt be able to speak with my mouth ful and i couldnt offer him sweets cos they were in a big plastic bag and i would drop the original pot. ARG EXCUSES. But basically i didnt say hi, and as soon as they were out of sight me and alice chided ourselves greatly for it.

Shared out the sweets, laughed way too much when alice stretched her rubber red lips and waved them at me, and then parted way past my normal 'territory' and i wandered back to cusp to read 'wizard of the pigeons' which is good. Nowt special though, but good. Blown some M&S vouchers on yummy dinner and hope someone will come online soon to chat to.

Alice didnt have much to say about my story really - i know it isnt my best. Its too based around action and whats happening rather than the writing itself (like ashes over stars) and its not the sort of thing i think would have the slightest chance of getting published. But its fun to write anyway!

Ali (the albinism person i mailed) wrote back to me with loadsa info, so when this story is done im almost ready to start on 'morning of forever' which will be cool. Now all i need is info on car crash accidents and injuries and stats like that. I know, dont ask.

Living a life of fear, I only want my mind to be clear. People making fun of me, for no reason but jealosy. I fantasize about my death, kill myself from holding my breath. My suicidal dream - voices telling me what to do. My suicidal dream - I'm sure you will get yours too. Help me, comfort me - stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now. The rope is here and now I'll find a use.

(1 shot | Go Shoot)

07:30pm 18/06/2004
What kind of disease are you?


Emily is caused by sponges.

Emily disease causes one to be beaten by a broom every alternate tuesday
Cure Emily by dressing like an 80's rock star.

(Go Shoot)

Standing on top of our hopes and fears   
06:07pm 18/06/2004
mood: happy
Ok sorry for not updating hehe. Yesterday i went back to school for lunch which was nifty. I got there early so lurked in the library foyer for 10 min boringgggg and then alice came along and was like "Your back!" and gave me a really big long hug which was dead nice welcome back pressie *grins*

Science we sat with Piers and GG on a table in B7 and filled in sheets. Alice seemed on a bit of a downer but i couldnt seem to help, and halfway into the lesson piers and gg seemed to realise i had come back and piers goes "Have you been ill?" i nod. "What was up?" Stomach upset. He makes a face something like pity. "You better now?" I nod. He carries on staring at me as i look away. Under continued inspection i look up again and he hold my gaze for a second before quickly looking away. STRANGE.

Then gg notices too and proceeds to make dirty jokes about the maths teacher in my absence, but its still nice to be welcomed back ^^ Citizen was spent with Mr Jones as supply quizzing us on censorship (TOWNIES ARE SO DUMB! im gonna live in middle of nowhere in france one day...)

SOAD are quite good really.

Anyway, walking back home with alice who mentioned something about Piers wanting to bugger rachel stancliffe. It turned out she had just heard him wrong, and then she said he said something like he wanted to bugger me too. (No it wasnt the wrong emily...i asked that too...0_0) which made me laugh. Then somehow he got talking about me or something like, and said 'she rocks' and alice said i got pissed off when people were depressed (not true!! mah!) and he looked all silent.

There was more, but ive forgotten it. Strange boi.

Lala. Got in, wrote loads on a new story i have started called 'tomorrow' which, although it isnt half as good as ashes over stars, i am quite content with at the moment. Oh and Jenny stayed and we corrected the grammer on tomorrow, and totally freaked out david by telling him what we were doing ^_~

Today. Got up, took painkillers, walked to school in driving rain under jennys brolly as water soaked through her hat and dripped off her sleeves and she encoraged me to 'believe in getting drenched!' or smth like that. NOT A BLOODY CHANCE!!

Anyway. Double p.e was spent watching them play tennis/rounders wierd game with GG who 'had hurt her ankle playing tennis' and kept forgetting to limp ^^ Pretty boring really all in all, general banter and comments and amusement but otherwise ya.

Break...cant remember what we did. Chatted to Mikey about foursomes, as far as i remember. Hehe. Oh yeh, Micky wasnt here i wonder why? (that sounded like sarcasm...it wasnt...i really do wonder why...) Then science, i said about hi to piers and then we had to move. Oh no wait, he asked me what i was doing at the weekend too and told me he was going on a scouts first aid thingy. Okkkk...

We jumbled cubes with pink dots to represent radioactivity (right then...) and drew graphs about it. DAMN they werent accurate, oh well. Lala. Lunch was spent in library with alice chatting randomly, and then we went to get some pink card for her speech and david came along so i teased him about never washing his hoodie. IN JOKE! ALICE DIDNT GET IT, THAT MEANS HE IS MY FRIEND! Someone is officially your friend when they understand your humor when no one else does, he even realised what my dubious expression meant at his proclamation "I always wear this tshirt!" and quickly added "I DO WASH IT!" which made me laugh.

Ate lunch with him, and then Mikey turned up and sat next to him. David poked him and Mikey turned and levelled a Look at him - which queued a moment of frozen silence and then everyone burst out laughing. Totally hostile, asking "What exactly are you doing?" SO GOOD!

I mauled some of alices strawberries and got accused of disturbing Mikey (that was his reason for not eating any, that seeing me eating them was disturbing him!) and david threw bits of my grated carrot at dozza and tarin who were sat diagonnaly next to us which was very amusing since dozza didnt notice, until david bought food then he turned round and screamed for some. Literally.

Funfunfunfunfun. David told mikey me and alice write 'gay porn' and a totally unshaken mikey laughed in a lol kinda way and said he thought so. David seemed mildly dissapointed.

Registration (wet cold damp table sleeves shivering EW) and then art which was boring. I told the teacher i couldnt draw, so he drew the beginning for me (but he drew it from the wrong angle, so it looked artistically screwed instead of just screwed) which made me feel better and stuff. Finished drawing, talked to dumb townie next to me.

English next, sitting next to Mikey getting looks from Mr B and giggling madly at the bad jokes and such like and random comments. Fun. Walked home with alice and Mikey and jenny and chatted for ages, stood at the crossing for half an hour in the pissing down rain talking *laughs* It was...fun.

Lots of hugs, and then half an hour later lots more hugs and promises and such like and Mikey span jenny round and round which was amusing to watch ^^ Walked home, bought and nibbled choc, did science and wrote a bit more story and formatted it. ROCK ON DUDES.

later xxx

(2 shots | Go Shoot)

Undress your eyes   
01:51pm 14/06/2004
mood: sick
Been sick all weekend and today (monday) so i wont go into that much. Just came on briefly to say yo hehe, yup. Didnt do much for the past 3 days, surprisingly, except i read three books (well, finished one and half way through two) which are all pretty good. *grin*
Mmm. Slept a lot and felt in varying degrees of shit really, whopee go me. Yup dunno why im bothering with this but oh well look at my quiz results *points* Lalala. Who would have known it!

Marilyn Manson
Industrial rock! Just like Marilyn Manson, you
know what you have to say and you just say it!
I like you very much...just be careful you
don't scare me away...

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You can feel my lips undress your eyes...undress your eyes....undress your eyes... Words of love and words so leisured...words are poisoned darts of pleasure...

(1 shot | Go Shoot)

Fade Away   
06:19pm 11/06/2004
  Ok so yesterday we went into town for geog which was fun. Fay was hyper and kept walking into cars. We questioned various people, there was a hugely fat bloke, some people who were convinced i was american and this cute aussie sounding dude who was...really cute and sounded cute and stuff. Hehe.

Wandered round, wrote down shops, admired peoples ass' (isobel too!) ate ice cream, ate pizza, messed about and trundled round cool shops. Bought loads of smoothies and got wolf whistled and chatted up 0_o and again by the cute dude in the smoothie shop. Lala. Got windblown, came back to cusp, ate lunch (yes..it was 4.00...) and then went and had Pizza and bought two books from Borders. Terry Pratchet - monstrous regiment, which is very good, and Megan Lindholm - wizard of the pigeons which i expect shall be great.

Today was orite. Heh. Walked to school, did athletics - i lost to jenny in the 100m and it rained and windy when we did discus (mine was pitiful and i was nearly concussed by jennys attempts...literally...it went sideways) and then citizen with funfunfun safety learning such as "Teatowel on cooker do you - leave it - hang it above cooker - hang it on cooker door - keep it permanently wet so it doesnt catch fire?" woohoo and another one "Poisonous chemicals on farm do you - touch the lid to see what happens - kick them out the way - leave them - sniff them"


Lala break and science where i drew pink and purple timelines, and then lunch was spent waiting for alice outside the library. A cute blonde boy walks over to A Block doors (pale white curly mid length hair, skinny) and tries to open them. They are, of course, locked.

He turns away, smiling secretly, seductively, and just enough embarassed to be very cute. Gets smiled at by me, walks away. Halfway away, i notice he has two french plaits in pigtails either side of his head, taming his fey ice hair. SQUEE! Me and Jenny dash after him to tell him how much we love him, but alas he has disappeared off the face of the earth and neither me jenny nor Mikey can find him anywhere. Joel steals jennys hat, his friends advise her to never wear it again, and i find...

A TINY PURPLE GLIITERY STAR BEAD!! Probably from the blonde boi! I pick it up and treasure it, and we play kick the stick, and then go eat at the park. We eat. Shaun comes over and sits nearby looking the picture of ultimate depression, so jenny wanders over, hugs him, and invites him to sit with us. he does so and even makes a few amusing comments. We leave (terminally late) and i realise i have left the bead. Too late.

Dash back and sign in for art (I CANT DRAW I REALLY CANT) and geog (boring....zzz) and then the walk home whopee. Alice got lift but Rosie didnt notice so had to run back looking realy sheepish which made us lot all laugh hehe. Said bye, got home. Hung about outside, went to tesco. On the way to tesco i saw Tarin on a bike. I said "Oh look theres tarin" so of course the horn got beeped.


Tarin turned round, saw me, i turned round, he looked mortified and turned back, we turned the corner and i turned round to stare at him as he as me until i couldnt see him any longer. Then i laughed and yelled and laughed some more because it was quite amusing. Lalala.

Now im playing dumb games....arg im losing my mind to the joys of 'grow' - where you grow youre own planet, 'bloody pingu throw'- self explanatory, 'j20' - where you try to aim to the loo and get pissed simultaneously, 'orca slap' - aim penguins at a snow thing, 'bow man' - where you try to shoot a stick man, 'mad shark'- where you try and eat divers before they stab you, AND SO ON....

(Go Shoot)